Depression and pain

I finished the latest round of editing on my debut novel, and I started looking more closely at Books on Demand because I would like to publish my book through it. I can't help but think that BoD's website and instructions have always been terrible. Previously, you could publish just an e-book for free, but now you have to pay a fee and get a physical book. Previously, the cheapest option was 69 euros, now it's 79.

I was playing around with BoD's book sizes and the problem was that the smallest size would have a suggested retail price of 30 euros, which is way too much. Who would buy a paperback from a self-published author for thirty euros? I had thought the price would be maybe ten euros, but that's impossible because it would be in the negative.

When I first tried those so-called paperback settings, my book ended up being 470 pages long. I didn't know that 82,000 words is that much for a paperback. But it didn't feel right, because there would be so little text on one page compared to real paperbacks. I don't know how small the font should be, now I used size 10. Well, when I changed the font size to 8, the number of pages was only 230, and the recommended price was 17.90. But all online sources say that the minimum font size is 10. Why then does BoD claim that it could be even 8?

But then I realized that you shouldn't choose the smallest book size, even though it is a traditional paperback size. If the number of pages decides everything, then you should just choose a larger book so that the number of pages is smaller, and the price is therefore cheaper. I can't get the price under 20 euros, but the font size has to be at least 10. And some fonts work better in a smaller size than others, I think my choice is Georgia, even though I don't like it myself. I have used LibreOffice's default font when writing.

The price was too high and I was starting to get really depressed. Once again, you could ask, what's the point when I'm working on my texts? And at first I couldn't find all the settings I needed to publish a book in Libre Office. For my studies, I use Word, but I hate it. It's like a web browser these days, no thanks.

And then I fought for a couple of hours on Saturday to get the page numbers in. I can only imagine how impossible it will be to make a book cover by myself.

And I also ran into a problem where I couldn't get LibreOffice to hyphenate words. All I had to do was open the same file in Word and it hyphenated right away.

 

 

 

But then my poor health started to get depressing. When the blood doesn't circulate in my legs. I thought the situation would get better the more time passes since covid, because that's how it seemed at the beginning, the first autumn was the worst. But now that I go for a run in the middle of summer, my legs burn when the blood doesn't circulate. But the worst thing is that I've had the same thing in my hands. And then I also have endometriosis pain and joint pain, so it's nice. And I started to feel dealing with all that text in my eyes, and playing Dreamlight Valley in my neck.

I don't know if the joint pain is due to menopause. I've been thinking that it must be nice to have endometriosis pain, heavy bleeding and menopause symptoms at the same time.

Being unwell is especially depressing because my birthday is coming up soon, and I'd like to be in party shape then.

 

It also annoys me that I'm stressed about (those?) things, my jaw is constantly in the wrong, tense position. In the middle of summer, when I should be on "vacation". Last night I had a bad panic attack, I thought I was really dying again.

 

Busy summer vacation

I would like to play Dreamlight Valley around the clock, a really addictive game with plenty to do. It's just a shame that my neck can't handle playing it all the time and it gets painful.

At the same time, I want to edit my first novel. I should also watch ER and Two and the Half Men. And of course, read books.

So, I'm busy!

 

 

 

ER always disappoints

Yes, I was disappointed with the televised version of ER again. I had been waiting a long time for the first episode of the 9th season, Chaos Theory, because it is where Romano loses his hand. Right from the start, it felt like something was seriously wrong, and as the scene progressed, it became clear that it had been cut in many places with a heavy hand. For example, the hand was not shown being detached, nor the detached hand that was later further away. They couldn't even show the detached hand being put in a plastic bag, so all the nice gore was censored. Even the vomiting. I'll have to settle for the uncut version on Youtube again. It was also funny that in the "previously on ER" section of the next episode, the hand was shown being detached better, I guess they forgot to censor it.

 

 

Old woman at the bar

I hadn't been to a bar since February 2020, and I hadn't eaten out since my birthday in 2020. Back then, it was exceptional when there was no Wine Festival in Kuopio, and I even got to eat at Wanha Satama.

But now it was shocking to realize in the bar that I wasn't interested in drinking. That I would rather be at home playing Dreamlight Valley. I was interested in knowing how much my favorite drink Caipiroska costs these days. Answer: 9.70 euros at Gloria. It would be/was expensive to get drunk.

I hadn't worn heels in five years, I was seriously afraid that I would break my ankle. My feet hurt right from the start, so I have to give up those shoes. And now I'm afraid that the problem wasn't with those shoes, but what if all heels hurt my feet?

Well, I finally got to wear in my pink floral dress. I bought it on eBay in the fall of 2019, big mistake because covid hit. The dress is made of polyester, which is plastic, and it has a lining. So it's like a double plastic shell. And it doesn't even fit me properly, I'm too skinny.

 

 

And then one night I had a nocturnal vision where I saw the date August 13th, and immediately thought it would be the day I die. In the morning I realized that it was the day my cat Tabitha died.

 

Midsummer?

The next time I ventured out was on Midsummer's Eve, luckily my feet were only slightly touched. For the first time ever, I saw an animal in the Puijo forest. It must have been a roe deer or a deer. 

 

 

 

Heart symptoms

On last week's Tuesday I played too much Dreamlight Valley, which I borrowed from the library. After midnight I ate the leftovers from a bag of chips when I felt sick. My left arm went numb and my heart was pounding. My neck was a mess, of course. At half past four in the morning I woke up and my heart was pounding so much that I had to take pills. Aspirin, hawthorn and magnesium.

 

 

My heart has been fine for a long time, and I don't know what caused this. It usually happens after drinking, and I haven't done that this year. When you know that the cause of the numbness in my left hand is either a heart attack or a neck strain. On the other hand, tartar removal and bleeding/inflammation of the gums can cause anything.

I remember my worst period six years ago, which basically started on Midsummer's Eve and lasted past my birthday. Then I finally got a pneumothorax, and I was literally so low on oxygen that I couldn't even go out to eat on my 40th birthday.

I took NAC for a few days after a long time because I was having pain in the ass caused by endometriosis. It's unlikely that it's related to anything.

 

 

 

Meridol mouthwash

 

I have been using Meridol mouthwash occasionally for decades. Now I noticed that its formula has been changed by adding many different substances. One of them is a sweetener, I don't understand why when xylitol was already in it. My mouth burned after using it, it's hard to know which of the new substances caused it. So goodbye Meridol. I also noticed that other mouthwashes also use a lot of sweeteners. It's hard to find a mouthwash that can't contain, for example, alcohol or sorbitol, and that mouthwash should be specifically intended for the well-being of the gums.  

 

OLD Meridol mouthwash
Aqua, Xylitol, PVP, PEG-40 Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Olaflur, Aroma, Stannous Fluoride, Sodium Saccharin, CL 42051.

NEW Meridol mouthwash
AQUA, GLYCERIN, XYLITOL, PVP, ZINC LACTATE, OLAFLUR, POLYGLYCERYL-4 CAPRATE, AROMA, SODIUM FLUORIDE, SACCHARIN, SUCRALOSE, CL 42051.

 

 

 

Resident Evil 9

It's a bit of a bummer. How many game shows have I watched over the years just because I wanted to see when RE9 was announced? How many hours?

Last week, at midnight Finnish time, Summer Game Fest started. At 1:15 I gave up. About an hour later, I found out that RE9 was announced right when I wasn't watching. So, time to cry.

What did I learn from this? Don't watch game shows, it's pointless anyway.

 

 

 

Dumb phone

If I'm still alive, I'll probably have to give up using my phone. They claim that non-smartphones won't soon work at all. So the marginalization is real. Well, why would I need a phone living under a bridge?

 

 

Remembering my cat Kali

My oldest cat, Kali, who passed away last October, would have turned 20 today.

Kali moved to my home in October 2009 at the age of four. She had had three litters of kittens with her previous owner, the firstborn, Olivia, already living with me.

 

 

Taking Kali was wrong, three cats were too many in a small apartment. Even though we moved to bigger apartments, over the years we thought about giving Kali to another home many times. Tabitha never liked Kali, just like she didn't like any other cats.

Kali had not yet been sterilized at the time, and during her first heat, she tried to offer herself to her daughter Olivia.

 

 

Kali couldn't use the cat litter boxes with doors, and at first I only took the door off one of the litter boxes. Kali didn't like it and peed in the wrong places.

Kali was a small, kind and social cat. That's why it was especially sad that she ended up being the only cat at the end of her life.

 

 

Before she died, Kali kept wanting to go to the balcony, but it was too cold. Now it's summer again, but Kali is no longer here to enjoy it. (The balcony pictures are from April 2011)

 

 

My life as a cat

Strange life. No drinking, no gaming. PS5 hadn't been started for a long time. Normally it would be on every day. I realized that there is a lot of free time in life when you're not gaming.

But then a news bombshell hit. Which I only found out about many weeks later. I had been waiting for a year (!) for the cat game Little Kitty, Big City to come to Playstation. And I found out about it two weeks after the release date. I rushed to buy it. And played through it twice. A wonderful game, of course a bit expensive considering its scope.

 

 

And when there are no school courses to do, there hasn't been much to do. I should write, and that is what I was meaning to do. But I should try to protect my eyes from overexertion. It hurts my eyes and they feel really dry.

Well, when I finally got around to starting, editing my first novel has been going well. I set a goal of sorts to finish that round by my birthday, so that I could then focus on my second (third) latest novel idea after that. The one I would most like to finish. It seems to be just under 27,000 words at the moment, so that would be enough work. Of course, there are still too many short story ideas coming.

 

 

Only I know how to ruin the kitchen rug by buying fish. The fish fat dripped onto the rug and then it smelled so bad that the whole apartment smelled of it.

I finally got to see a dental hygienist when the last appointment was canceled. I wanted to stop drinking tea so my teeth wouldn't stain again. It's hard for an addict to stop drinking tea cold turkey. A few days later I realized that life without tea isn't worth living. And I got a sore throat, which gave me an excuse to go back to drinking tea.

I had to have my passport photo taken on the same trip, and my passport has been ordered. I'd like to go to a bar in the summer, and go on that cruise. But how would I manage that? Just on the train ride, my legs would swell and hurt, not to mention all the other aches and fatigue.