Remembering my cat Tabitha

Today would have been my first cat Tabitha's birthday. The theme of this post was supposed to be memories of Tabitha, but this one turned out to be a post about a cat playing with balls.

Unlike Olivia who was a lap cat, Tabitha came to lie on me very rarely. One of those rare times was when Tabitha had a collar because of her earlobe surgery, and she was really miserable about it.

Only once in her life did Tabitha jump into my lap: when she was in heat and I was filming a video of her. She jumped into my arms and turned off the camera. As if to say "don't film my suffering"!

 

 

Especially when we lived in our previous apartment, Tabitha had an annoying evening routine. Every time we went to bed, she would take her favorite ball and start yelling "throw me the ball". When she was young, Tabitha would constantly wear out those fur balls. I then bought "a few" of them for storage, and they are still unused.

 

 

I had my own game with Tabitha with bouncing balls. I picked up the ball and Tabitha meowed "throw it now". I threw the ball and Tabitha tried to catch it. Tabitha wanted to play this game even when she was old. Let me just say that Tabitha would have made a good goalkeeper.

 

 

There are so many of these pictures...

 

 

I was already thinking about not playing any cat game today, since it was just the same old ones. Especially since I borrowed Resident Evil Requiem from the library, but I finished it already on Tuesday.

I bought the game Copycat because it was on sale in the PS Store, so that's what I'm going to do today.

 

My lap cat Olivia

Today would be my late cat Olivia's birthday.

Previously, my memorial posts have focused on the beginning of Olivia's life, and her first month with me. When I was thinking about the angle of this post, I came up with this pretty quickly.

I got Olivia in April 2008, and right from the start she came to sleep in my lap.

 

 

But Olivia grew quickly and didn't fit in my lap for many months.

 

 

As far as I know, the last picture of Olivia in my lap is from July 2008. 

 

 

But there was room to lie on me on bed. Olivia and her mother Kali often competed for that spot.

 

 

In honor of the day I will play cat game Stray. And I'm wearing this cat memorial shirt which I bought from Temu.

 

 

  

 

 

Couldn't save you from the start

Love you so it hurts my soul... 

 

Memorial jewelry in memory of cats

Facebook often advertises products that are right for me. Now I came across personalized jewelry in memory of pets. You can engrave names on these.

A cat-themed one would be a nice idea, of course, but I thought it would be somehow too big and clumsy for me, at least for everyday use. I appreciate lightness and elegance in jewelry.

 

 

There are many other options, such as paws and hearts.

 

 

I also started to wonder if those paws would be better on a bracelet.

I would also be interested in the eternity symbol and angel wings.

 

 

There would be some nice options in silver, but I'm into yellow gold, or its colors, against the fashion.

And so it happened that I found these same jewelry many times cheaper in Temu. Many businesses are based on buying cheaply from China and selling more expensively.

So I made my first order from Temu! (affiliate link)

 

A year without cats

My last cat, Kali, died exactly one year ago at the age of 19. My other two cats died in August 2024.

 

 

I guess I should be ashamed to admit that out of my three cats, Kali is the only one whose death date I couldn't remember by heart, I had to check it.

 

 

Kali was always the third cat I got when she was already 4 years old. Tabitha was my firstborn, and Olivia was my youngest and my lap cat. What was Kali?

Personally, I think Kali's heart broke when the other cats mysteriously disappeared, and her body just gave up. Without the urinary tract infection she had a month before her death, we would not have known anything about the tumor.

 

 

And again I thought I'd play some cat game to honor the day. 

Stray I meant to play already on the anniversary of Olivia's death, but Cat and Ghostly Road's white cat suited better for that. 

And now I've been saving up the game Cats and the Other Lives I bought on sale for this purpose, let's see if it is any good.

 

 

The worst thing is that all three cats died in such a short time. After 17 years of daily care, life fell apart.

 

 

Some might think it's crazy that the cat scratching posts, beds and toys are still in their original places here.

 

Movie review: The Long Walk

Damn, this is bullshit.

That was my first reaction when the changed ending of The Long Walk (affiliate link) movie started to be revealed.

This article contains some plot spoilers.

50 young men participate in a walking race. Only one makes it to the finish line alive.

I had worked hard and painfully to protect myself from spoilers. I knew that the ending had been changed, and that people thought the new ending is crap. But I didn't know what the changed ending would be.

At some point, I first hoped and then feared that the ending would be a dream or hallucination of a character, but no. Fortunately, the very last seconds were faithful to the book, meaning the character's final fate was left open.

Making a character evil (and stupid!) who only thirsts for revenge and corrupts his friend into the same thing is not good. Making everything and everyone's deaths pointless in the end, even the father's. Of course, it was all pointless from the start. The point is that no one ever really wins the Long Walk.

And one character has been made into a saint, representing all that is good in the world. Well, he certainly wasn't like that in the book. On the contrary, he got his scar from trying to rape his girlfriend.

And I didn't think it was believable that the main character would suddenly just give up and betray his mother, especially after he had just realized that she was right. Mothers are always right about everything.

And then there's the fact that an alternate ending has been filmed, because an upcoming home release 4K will have it. 

 

 

Of course, I understand that the book's ending had to be changed. The ending of the book would have been too bland, more drama was needed, and that's certainly what's at the end of the movie.

Besides the ending there are of course a lot of other differences between the book and the movie.  

I'm not a fan of blood, gore, and guts, not to mention (diarrhea) crap. I knew in advance that the movie was going to be incredibly violent, and I kept my eyes closed at many points. There was also a lot of swearing, even the f-word was only used a few hundred times.

I liked it when the major said "Good luck, son" to one of the characters right at the beginning. 

But the true star of the movie was of course the eyeless cat, which I wondered already in the trailer.

 

  

 

The Long Walk is one of my favorite works by Stephen King, and I had been waiting for decades for it to be made into a film. Still, it was hard to find time in my busy schedule to go see it, and it was almost a month after the premiere. There were a total of 8 people in the audience at a Tuesday night screening. 

 

Ps. One of the trailers shown was for The Running Man, which will premiere in November. That's also one of my favorites from King's books, but I don't like the fact that this film has gone in a more comedic direction. And the ending has been changed from the book, apparently because of WTC...

 

World Animal Day: Sun Cat

I had a habit of posting photos of my cats in the honor of World Animal Day.

My late cat Tabitha in the (autumn) sun.

 

 

 

 

I miss my Tabitha. 💔

 

 

When I saw the headline "October is Pet Month" in a flyer, I cried.

 

A year without Tabitha

"Where's Tabitha when you need her?"

Like when changing the sheets.

I recently had a dream about cats. Kali had a swollen belly, like before she died. But then Tabitha came along, demanding attention and nudged me.

 

 

When Tabitha stopped eating, it was thought that it was because of her chronic runny nose. I just couldn't accept that the cat would die because of a stuffy nose, it would have been too unfair. But then it turned out that Tabitha had a tumor near her lungs. So in hindsight, it was clear that Tabitha was already feeling so bad that she didn't want to eat anymore.

 

 

The strangest thing is that Tabitha started eating again after the animal hospital. There was no reason for her to do that. Of course it feels bad that Tabitha had to go through that intensive care, but without it we humans would have had too much to deal with. When it comes to cats' final days, the uncertainty is the worst.

 

 

And the unnecessary trip to the dentist a month before Tabitha's death still hurts. It didn't even solve Tabitha's eating problem. But we didn't know that death was near.

 

 

Tabitha was my firstborn, and that's why she's so dear to me.

I want to play some cat game again in "honor" of this day. Or have someone else play for me. The choice is probably Little Kitty, Big City. I don't know if there is any (console) game where you play as a black and white cat.

 

 

 

A year without Olivia

It's been a year since my youngest cat, Olivia, died. I can say that there is no life after cats. I will never get over my guilt. For not realizing that Olivia was about to die.

That moment when the vet called and told me that Olivia has to be put down, and I couldn't continue talking on the phone because I was crying.

 

 

Yesterday I noticed that the shorts I wore while washing the cat toilets are not where my other shorts are. They were still where I kept them when I was still cleaning toilets. The last time was the week of Olivia's death. That's when I cried for Tabitha, I remember how the tears mixed with the wash water. I didn't know it would be Olivia who would die first.

And I can't get over the fact that both Olivia and Tabitha died on the name days of the characters of my first novel (who both die in the story). Luckily, Kali didn't do that. 

 

 

 

My fear of death has subsided because I don't want to live without cats, because life without them is pointless and because I think they're waiting for me out there somewhere. Of course, I don't really believe that, but still.

Last night I cried so much for Olivia that I had got arrhythmia. Would it be appropriate to die on the same day?

I would like to finish writing some of my stories before I die, though. I'd be damned if I died before then.

I had already decided that I would play through the game Stray again on the anniversary of Olivia's death, but then the game Cat and Ghostly Road was on sale. In it, you play as a white cat.

 

 

 

I still open the door for Olivia after the shower. Luckily, I still remember Olivia's unique meow.

 

 

I still open the window in the evenings
even though I know you won't come and shout anymore...

 

Remembering my cat Kali

My oldest cat, Kali, who passed away last October, would have turned 20 today.

Kali moved to my home in October 2009 at the age of four. She had had three litters of kittens with her previous owner, the firstborn, Olivia, already living with me.

 

 

Taking Kali was wrong, three cats were too many in a small apartment. Even though we moved to bigger apartments, over the years we thought about giving Kali to another home many times. Tabitha never liked Kali, just like she didn't like any other cats.

Kali had not yet been sterilized at the time, and during her first heat, she tried to offer herself to her daughter Olivia.

 

 

Kali couldn't use the cat litter boxes with doors, and at first I only took the door off one of the litter boxes. Kali didn't like it and peed in the wrong places.

Kali was a small, kind and social cat. That's why it was especially sad that she ended up being the only cat at the end of her life.

 

 

Before she died, Kali kept wanting to go to the balcony, but it was too cold. Now it's summer again, but Kali is no longer here to enjoy it. (The balcony pictures are from April 2011)

 

 

My life as a cat

Strange life. No drinking, no gaming. PS5 hadn't been started for a long time. Normally it would be on every day. I realized that there is a lot of free time in life when you're not gaming.

But then a news bombshell hit. Which I only found out about many weeks later. I had been waiting for a year (!) for the cat game Little Kitty, Big City to come to Playstation. And I found out about it two weeks after the release date. I rushed to buy it. And played through it twice. A wonderful game, of course a bit expensive considering its scope.

 

 

And when there are no school courses to do, there hasn't been much to do. I should write, and that is what I was meaning to do. But I should try to protect my eyes from overexertion. It hurts my eyes and they feel really dry.

Well, when I finally got around to starting, editing my first novel has been going well. I set a goal of sorts to finish that round by my birthday, so that I could then focus on my second (third) latest novel idea after that. The one I would most like to finish. It seems to be just under 27,000 words at the moment, so that would be enough work. Of course, there are still too many short story ideas coming.

 

 

Only I know how to ruin the kitchen rug by buying fish. The fish fat dripped onto the rug and then it smelled so bad that the whole apartment smelled of it.

I finally got to see a dental hygienist when the last appointment was canceled. I wanted to stop drinking tea so my teeth wouldn't stain again. It's hard for an addict to stop drinking tea cold turkey. A few days later I realized that life without tea isn't worth living. And I got a sore throat, which gave me an excuse to go back to drinking tea.

I had to have my passport photo taken on the same trip, and my passport has been ordered. I'd like to go to a bar in the summer, and go on that cruise. But how would I manage that? Just on the train ride, my legs would swell and hurt, not to mention all the other aches and fatigue.

 

 

Remembering my cat Tabitha

Today would have been Tabitha's birthday, she passed away last August. All the pictures in this post are from August 2007, when I got Tabitha.

My first contact with Tabitha was when I heard her meowing behind the front door of my apartment, even before my friend had time to ring the doorbell. Tabitha was always a loud screamer in the carrier.

 

 

My friend knew that I wanted a cat, and her friend had a couple of kittens available. I just had to decide whether I wanted a girl or a boy. I wanted a girl, and so Tabitha, or Tapsa, came to me. I took the name Tabitha from the book Nine lives - A year in the life of a cat family (affiliate link). But over time, Tabitha just became Tapsa, which is a boy's name. So the vets always wondered about it. A girl named Tapsa!

 

 

 

What happened to Tabitha's brother? All I know is that there was a dog in Tabitha's childhood home. And apparently there was no scratching post, because Tabitha didn't know how to use one. Tabitha also wasn't socialized, so she was afraid of strangers and didn't like other cats.

 

 

Tabitha was happy being the only cat in the house. I should have realized never to get more cats.

 

Is there life after cats?

It feels like the death of cats is something I can never get over.

Life has completely changed. The cats' passing is visible in all my everyday activities, in all my routines.

I don't have to worry that Tabitha will snot on the bed or somewhere else. Or that Kali will try to shit on the bed, or Olivia will have diarrhea there or on the floor, or wipe her ass on the sheets. In the morning I don't have to worry about whether Olivia peed on the toilet mat.

In general, I can sleep more. The cats don't wake me up anymore, and I don't have to plan everything around their meal times.

I can hang the laundry to dry so that the lines hang down, there's no longer Olivia tearing them apart. No one is shoving themselves into the wardrobe or dressing room. No one comes in front of my computer screen to "disturb" my "important" activities. When I file my nails, no one will wonder what the suspicious noise is coming from, and want to use the file as a toy. I can take a shower without worrying that Olivia will have diarrhea while I'm there. When I'm walking around the room in the dark, I don't have to worry about running over some cat. I can leave my food on the table freely, no one will try to eat it. I don't have to be hysterical about every piece of dental floss or string. I can even leave a plastic bag on the floor without worrying that someone will choke on it. And Olivia isn't licking all kinds of plastic. I no longer have to wash socks because stepping on vomit or shit. The kitchen and wardrobe cupboards are empty of cat food, I suppose I could put something else in them. But what?

At one time, I had a routine with Tabitha that every time I boiled water for tea, Tabitha would come into the kitchen to be petted. I even tried to trick Tabitha with it when I changed the sheets. To get Tabitha out of the bedsheets, I boiled water for tea to trick her into going to the kitchen.

In the previous apartment, Tabitha had a nasty habit. Almost every night when we went to bed, Tabitha would pick up her ball and start shouting "throw me the ball NOW". Never in that situation was the ball thrown to her at night, but she still continued that habit for a long time. I thought that the neighbors probably didn't like it...

 

 

 

I try to keep Olivia's meow on my mind all the time. She had a unique meow, and I wouldn't want to forget it. I should have videotaped more cats, although the videos from my digital camera are of such poor quality that I didn't use it much for videos.

It's Olivia who I'm most upset about. I feel like I let Olivia down. Olivia's death came as a complete surprise. Although in retrospect, all the signs were visible. And I just laughed when Olivia, who had moved to live on the kitchen rug, sometimes couldn't even move off the rug when I was vacuuming. I just thought she was lazy. And when she lost weight and ate less and was constantly begging for food, I just thought she was picky. And when Olivia's chronic diarrhea turned into constipation, I just thought it was due to kidney failure. Why didn't it even occur to me that Olivia might have an intestinal tumor? It did occur to me when Kali stopped eating because of constipation the other Christmas.

 

Dreams of cats

I had a dream about Olivia, and this time it was the "real" Olivia. She came home many months after her death, looking healthy and even a little overweight. I wondered how she could be alive. When she was supposed to be dead, she was supposed to have colon cancer and a blocked intestine. I didn't get any answers to my questions in the dream.

In another dream, all the cats came home healthy. I thought it had to be a dream, and I tried to wake myself up by pinching myself, but it didn't work. Then I had to start thinking about what to do when there are three cats at home and not a drop of cat food. Finally, I looked into Olivia's eyes, and I started crying when I realized that the cat wasn't Olivia. The real Olivia had unique, different eyes. And that dream wasn't the only one, I had a similar dream again and again I recognized Olivia as fake based on her eyes.

In one dream, I had taken photos of cat ghosts. Something other than the supernatural was still wrong, there was more than one Olivia in the pictures.

In another dream, there were two Olivias. And then there was Tabitha attacking my food, just when I was bragging that I wouldn't have to be afraid of it anymore.

 

 

We don't have to buy anything for cats anymore. It's a shame that there are cat ads on my Facebook and YouTube, for example, and cat food in my personal K-plus offers.

Everything is used less now. After the cats died, water consumption has dropped by about 75%!! Toilet paper, kitchen paper. I used to use one freezer bag a day. Now I don't know how I could end use those bags used for food. I don't even use cotton pads anymore. I could use them several times a day to wipe Tabitha's nose, and I often bought them from bundle offers.

There is so damn little waste. I used to have to take out the mixed waste every other day, mainly because of Olivia's waste. Now there is very little of it, like everything else. Bio and metal.

 

Cat hair. They are no longer everywhere, like on my own face. Whenever I find a white cat hair on my face, I just think that this is one of the last ones. And that it could be from any of the three cats, you can never know whose.

I cry every time I vacuum. It is so unnaturally clean here, there is no cat hair or litter. Before, I had to vacuum twice a week, now there would be little need for it. And the vacuum cleaner started acting up even before the cats died. It started when I hit a plug while vacuuming, and the vacuum cleaner stopped working. Since that time, the vacuum cleaner has not always worked. I have to try many different sockets, and place the plug in the socket in a special way before the vacuum cleaner agrees to work. It has also turned off in the middle of vacuuming, for example because the vacuum cleaner has run over the cord.

It has been months since I put the last dust bag full of cat hair in the trash. But even then, all that was visible on top of it was dust. :(

 

 

Today, I would like to give advice to all cat owners that it is always a good idea to have an abdominal ultrasound done for older cats when they visit the vet. Some vets even include it in their senior cat health check-ups, and for a good reason. An abdominal ultrasound would have revealed things in all three of my cats. The biggest regret is that it wasn't done for Olivia in April, when she was at the vet again due to chronic diarrhea. And at the time, I didn't realize or know that I could have asked for an ultrasound.

Death has been a problem for me ever since I realized as a child that nothing in this life changes the fact that one day I too will lie in a coffin and be put on the ground to be eaten by worms. Other people seem to be able to shut the existence of death out of their consciousness better than I am. And now death has been shoved right in my face, and I can't stand it. If I stop for a moment to think about the cats' absence, it makes me cry.