Big mistake

I was getting upset about the constant heat and the fact that it was preventing me from going to the library. I reserved a few books. Big mistake.

Then I started feeling nauseous, and my heart was beating too fast. Next came the endometriosis pains.

 

 

And again one of the shoes broke, sandals. They lasted well from Siilinjärvi and Lidl all the way home and finally broke in the stairwell. The soles of both shoes cracked, and pieces of the soles fell into the hallway.

When it was time to go to the library I woke up with a sore throat and despite the heat I was cold. Only one of the three books I had reserved had arrived. But I still had to go because I knew I would be even worse in the coming days. When I returned home from the library I had received notifications that the other two books had arrived. I was  a bit upset. I reserved more books. I also almost reserved the same book again...

A new attempt in a couple of days, only in the evening when it's colder, almost 32 degrees Celsius... I thought a bird had shit on me when something cold kept dripping down my neck so that I was startled, but no, just my own sweat.

I can't do anything, I'm tired. The decision to quit my studies as useless and unprofitable has begun to mature. I just can't continue this torture, even in the summer my income is 0 euros. It was absurd to even start.

 

Writing

I don't think I'll ever finish my second novel, not even if I live 50 more years. The word count only increased by 4,000 in a month, so it's now 31,000. And that story doesn't even interest me, I'm completely bored. I used to think that was my best story, but I don't agree anymore.

I still need to get my first novel ready for publication, as I already booked an ISBN number when I started the book project on Books on Demand, and there's a three-month deadline. I wanted to cry with happiness when BoD's cover tool EasyCover finally accepted my cover. I did everything the same way as before, and this time it worked. It's hard to know what is wrong, especially when the error messages are in German.

It feels so bad to send your child out into the world, after decades. The thought of never being able to make a single change to the text again... And of course, every sentence I've ever written makes me ashamed.

 

 

 

A year without Olivia

It's been a year since my youngest cat, Olivia, died. I can say that there is no life after cats. I will never get over my guilt. For not realizing that Olivia was about to die.

That moment when the vet called and told me that Olivia has to be put down, and I couldn't continue talking on the phone because I was crying.

 

 

Yesterday I noticed that the shorts I wore while washing the cat toilets are not where my other shorts are. They were still where I kept them when I was still cleaning toilets. The last time was the week of Olivia's death. That's when I cried for Tabitha, I remember how the tears mixed with the wash water. I didn't know it would be Olivia who would die first.

And I can't get over the fact that both Olivia and Tabitha died on the name days of the characters of my first novel (who both die in the story). Luckily, Kali didn't do that. 

 

 

 

My fear of death has subsided because I don't want to live without cats, because life without them is pointless and because I think they're waiting for me out there somewhere. Of course, I don't really believe that, but still.

Last night I cried so much for Olivia that I had got arrhythmia. Would it be appropriate to die on the same day?

I would like to finish writing some of my stories before I die, though. I'd be damned if I died before then.

I had already decided that I would play through the game Stray again on the anniversary of Olivia's death, but then the game Cat and Ghostly Road was on sale. In it, you play as a white cat.

 

 

 

I still open the door for Olivia after the shower. Luckily, I still remember Olivia's unique meow.

 

 

I still open the window in the evenings
even though I know you won't come and shout anymore...