For a change, something other than cats, i.e. my old news.
Back then, in a more innocent time when I wasn't yet living in a nightmare called Olivia and Tabitha don't exist anymore, I suffered from pain for a long time. My period just wouldn't start, and that's why the worse endometriosis pain just continued and continued. For a long time I've had shorter cycles from time to time due to perimenopause, but now was the first longer cycle. It must have been decades since I last had such a long cycle. And back then that was also probably due to the fact that I was too thin/I ate too little. I've also lost weight now and eat too little, but yes, the reason for this is perimenopause.
And then the fun finally started. The flow was absolutely awfully abundant, just gushing out like from a faucet. As if I wasn't iron deficient enough already. If this trend continues as menopause approaches, I think I'll bleed out.
So, first there was a too long cycle, and then terrible bleeding. The next period started far too early, and that happened to be on the day Tabitha died. It would be a good idea to get an ultrasound to see if I have, for example, fibroids, they are common at this age. Let's see if student health care offers such a service. And even if they do, is there any chance of getting an appointment?
And what other nice things have happened? When Olivia died on Saturday, the last time I had been out was on Friday of that week. And then I had been wondering what was on my upper thigh for a couple of days. Only on the night between Monday and Tuesday I finally investigated the matter in more detail. A tick! I walk in nature with bare ankles, why did the tick want to climb up to my upper thigh? I thought they would stay where they bite.
It was difficult to remove the tick, but fortunately it was successful so that it vomited only after removing it. But it was allowed to sit there for too long, I'll probably get all the diseases. I hadn't made any checks for ticks. After that, I have had to change my walking routes so that my bare ankles are not exposed to the undergrowth anymore.
Let's see what will come from that. A ticking time bomb inside me? I wouldn't be interested in a course of antibiotics because of a possible borreliosis infection.
Soon my studies are about to start. Frankly, I don't give a damn. Especially when I don't have many things that are mandatory for them. Like a smartphone and a computer camera. So I guess it won't be possible.
The last few weeks have been terrible. Olivia's death, the stress of whether Tabitha will eat and her wellbeing, my failure as a caretaker of cats. Then also Tabitha died. Too much for me to bear. I thought that Tabitha's death would be easier to bear because Olivia "paved the way" and because we could prepare in advance for weeks for Tabitha's death, but no. I just can't bear the thought of Olivia and Tabitha not existing anymore.
When for 17 years, my whole life and routines have been built around taking care of cats 24/7, then the foundation falls out of my whole life. When I no longer have to worry about Olivia and Tabitha, life becomes completely different. Empty. Without content. How much of my life have I spent feeding cats, for example?
Did I spend enough time with Tabitha and Olivia? Did I pet them enough? Did I know how to appreciate every day, every moment? I didn't. But of course, no time in the world would have been enough.
Sometimes panic strikes, and I would like to go back in time and make different choices. Although I know those choices would have been wrong. Still, euthanasing a cat feels awful. Like the last betrayal towards the cat. Even if its purpose is to save her from suffering.
A couple of nights before Tabitha's death, I dreamed about Olivia for the first time. She came to bed to comfort me. In the dream I knew it wasn't Olivia but its spirit, but it felt so real. A couple of nights ago, in a dream, Olivia came to the carpet next to the bed. I petted her happily, even though I knew again that it wasn't the real Olivia. But last night's dream was a nightmare. First, Olivia came home from the vet in poor condition, even though she should have been put to sleep. Then Tabitha was outside, and a fox was stalking her. I tried to get to Tabitha before the fox, but no matter how fast I ran, I never got there.
I still open the bathroom door after the shower, because I know that Olivia's spirit wants to drink water from the bathroom floor.
No one wants to eat the leftovers of my dinner anymore. That's also why I knew Tabitha wasn't feeling well when she didn't do that anymore.
Now I can change the bed sheets in peace, and I don't have to fight with Tabitha over the domination of the sheets.
When I realized that I can now put my vomit cup on the nightstand because Tabitha can no longer get stuck behind the nightstand because of it. Tabitha no longer goes to sleep on top of the chest of drawers, through the bedside table and windowsill. You can open the bedroom door without checking if Tabitha is behind it. There are no more cats pushing themselves into wardrobes.
Tabitha no longer waits in the evenings to take a shower and brush teeth with my spouse. And she will never lie on his pillow purring again.
The home feels quiet and empty. No need to count to three anymore. There is only one cat left. My oldest cat, 19-year-old Kali. The most sociable cat was left alone. Kali has never been the only cat. Kali has clearly been wondering and looking at where the other cats are. Where did they go?
Kali doesn't need much. Felix soup wet food and Bilanx energy snacks, and not much else. It's so much cheaper than before.
There are three litter boxes, four scratching posts, three dry food bowls, four water bowls and a drinking fountain for one cat.
I realized soon after Olivia's death that I want to get a white cat soft toy to sleep with for comfort.
Ten days after the death of my 16 years old cat Olivia, it was time for my 17 years old firstborn Tabitha to follow her.
Three weeks ago, Tabitha stopped eating and had to undergo intensive care at the animal hospital.The cat that returned home from hospitalization was just a shadow of the old Tabitha.We knew that Tabitha was on overtime, and we went one day at a time. We thought that the most important thing is that Tabitha eats, but it turned out that she had other problems.The X-ray showed a mass near the lungs.And now, looking back, it's pretty clear that Tabitha didn't stop eating because of a stuffy nose.But because she started to feel so bad because of what was happening inside her.
During my spouse's work trip, I had only one goal: to somehow keep Tabitha alive and eating. It worked, but at what cost? Towards the end of the week, Tabitha started to exhibit pain behavior: hiding and pain positions. She was clearly not a happy and relaxed cat, but a sick and suffering cat.
As soon as Tabitha came home from the hospital, we noticed and wondered about her fast breathing, but at first we thought that it was due to mental reasons, from all the terrible things she had to experience at the hospital. But that rapid breathing never went away.
When the cat is desperately trying to find a place and position where she would feel good, and it just can't be found. My spouse began to suspect that Tabitha can't breath properly. On Tabitha's last night, spouse got scared that Tabitha was suffocating.
I will never get over how I lured Tabitha to her death. She was hiding under the bed, and I decided to try the old trick even though I thought it wouldn't work because Tabitha hadn't even agreed to sniff her breakfast. I waved the treat jar and Tabitha heard the invitation. I caught her and we put her in the carrier for her last journey.
Tabitha screamed every time she was put in the carrier. We always joked that she screams like she's being taken to slaughter. And we always knew that sometime she would actually be taken in to be slaughtered. Even this last time, Tabitha still screamed, but weakly and tiredly. She probably hadn't been able to sleep lately because of her bad condition.
When after 17 years you lose two out of three cats within 10 days, it's beyond horrible. But I know I have been lucky because all my cats have lived this long.
Something very essential is missing from the kitchen carpet. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I feel like I could totally break down. The thought that Olivia doesn't exist anymore, and never again will...
Remorse. When I focused on Tabitha, and didn't notice that Olivia is dying (while I was watching you did a slow dissolve). That it was Olivia who was living her last days. But the truth is that if I had known and understood Olivia's situation in advance, it would have been even harder to bear. Even naturally Olivia would have died very quickly, full bowel obstruction was already close, and without the laxatives it probably would have already happened. Nothing could have saved Olivia. She could only have been euthanised earlier. Olivia went to the vet in April, because of her chronic diarrhea. If they had done ultrasound of the abdomen then, the tumor would have probably been found. But then it would have been difficult to accept the termination because the cat was still doing well.
So what would have been best for Olivia? What makes me sad here is that Olivia seemed to have so much thirst for life and literal hunger, until the end. How much pain was Olivia in? In her last week, Olivia outwardly looked uncomfortable a few times, but most of the time she lay or slept looking relaxed. Even on the morning of her death. I want to believe that Olivia wasn't in pain at least all the time. Of course I'll never know the truth.
Inflammatory bowel disease increases the risk of cancer in humans. Did Olivia's chronic diarrhea for so many years lead to this outcome? Very possible. Or did she have cancer all these years? I can't believe that myself.
Everywhere I look something reminds me of Olivia. All the time I notice foods and things that Olivia left behind. Being antidiarrheals, kidney substances, vitamins. I bought Olivia so many things that I didn't even "have time" to try. Vitamin B, which could have acted as a phosphorus binder. Some raw, frozen meatballs. Boulardii, which could have helped with diarrhea. I did give her psyllium, but only a couple of times. But I didn't have time to buy some things: Iherb's shopping cart contained phosphorus binders intended for Olivia (chitosan and vitamin b3). In the bookmarks of the browser, there were links related to Olivia's diarrhea, and phosphorus binders, such as aluminum-based phosphorus binders, and that cat feces transfer.
All the new grain-free foods and treats that I ordered for Olivia the week she died. But I couldn't know. I just thought that it's not worth ordering more food for Tabitha because she is dying. Olivia left a lot of grain-free wet food and treats, I should try to donate them to the animal protection. They should be good for homeless cats. And why don't I feed grain-free foods to my other cats? Tabitha is now only offered foods she likes. And the only wet foods that Kali eats are Felix soup and Kattovit Renal, and of course only broth of them.
Who will eat Kali's Kattovit's leftovers now? No one. No more Olivia coming to bed in the morning to demand breakfast. There is no longer Olivia nagging next to me at cats' mealtime, demanding faster service. There is no longer any need for protective plastic on the floor of the bedroom when Olivia is not pooping on the floors. Olivia no longer waits behind the toilet door to drink water from the floor after showering. No one rips my clothes/sheets anymore. There is no need to trim Olivia's nails anymore (the only cat whose nails we have trimmed). There are drink sticks on the floor that Olivia used as toys, no one else plays with them and brings them to bed. I put the towel with Olivia's last vomit in the wash. I also realized that still on Tuesday night Olivia was able to jump on the bed because she threw up from it to the carpet. I vacuumed the last of Olivia's hairs from the kitchen carpet. Many times during the cats' mealtimes I have accidentally put a cup for Olivia, it comes automatically. On the evening of Olivia's death, I almost gave my spouse instructions regarding Olivia's food the next morning.
Olivia caused most work of the cats because of her diarrhea. The ass always had to be cleaned, and towards the end, more and more crap had to be cleaned from the floors. The cats' toilets stay much cleaner without Olivia, and less cat litter is consumed. Most money had to be spent on Olivia's food. Olivia's last vet visit cost 939 euros on Saturday (when the price is +50%).
How have the other cats reacted to the absence of one? I don't think Tabitha even notices the whole thing. On Friday evening, Kali behaved strangely around Olivia. As if she knew or smelled something we didn't. And on Sunday night, I could have sworn that Kali was looking for Olivia. Yelled and went around the apartment, looking around. Kali liked her daughter. When Olivia was around, Kali often excitedly went to her, meowing and caressing her.
During Olivia's last night I had a hard time sleeping. I would have wanted to take her to the emergency room already at night, and I was afraid that in the morning I would find a dead cat on the kitchen carpet. I gave Olivia half a bag of Felix as her last meal, she liked Felix a lot. I told her out loud that she will get the other half when she gets home. But she didn't come back, and it felt awful to have to throw the other half away.
Everyone grieves differently. It's hard for me to eat. Eating feels disgusting. And then you feel even worse because of not eating. Of course, my eyes are swollen from crying. And the worst is, of course, how this affects my heart. And it started as soon as I noticed on Friday that Olivia hadn't washed her face after eating. Of course, that poor thing couldn't even wash her face anymore because her legs/paws were so weak.
Olivia was my lastborn, and she so was my cat. And a lap cat. When she grew up and could no longer fit in my lap, she liked to lie on top of me in bed.
I ordered from Zooplus last week, wondering if Tabitha will still be alive when the order arrives. I mainly ordered for Tabitha recovery and kitten foods, pate versions. But I also ordered beef fat powder for both. I had watched it for a long time because I desperately wanted to try to fatten Olivia, but I didn't get that chance anymore. It was too late.
I've always wondered in which order my cats will die. I never wanted to know the answer. And this order is completely wrong, Olivia was the youngest. And as a joke I had thought that maybe my cats will commit mass suicide. And last week it was close, we could have lost two cats within a week, or even within a couple of days. If Tabitha hadn't started eating, she would have been euthanised on Thursday or Friday. And then Olivia went on Saturday...
I have listened to this song over and over again. Although not all words fit Olivia, most of them do.
When I came home from a run on Friday, I noticed to my horror that Olivia's face has food all over. She hadn't cleaned her mouth after eating like cats always do. I immediately thought that a cat's life expectancy can't be very long if she doesn't even wash her face.
On the night between Friday and Saturday, we noticed that Olivia could no longer walk properly. At worst, she dragged her hind legs behind her. My husband already told me on Thursday that there is a strange weakness in Olivia's walk, but I didn't notice anything then. We even feared that Olivia had a brain problem due to constipation and straining.
On Saturday morning, Olivia looked a little better. She could sit and walk a little, and she asked for and ate food. Olivia's appetite remained very good until the end.
I had googled the matter and really hoped that Olivia's walking problems were caused by something as simple as a lack of potassium, her potassium level was too low a long time ago, but the vet didn't prescribe a potassium supplement then. Kidney failure can cause a cat deficiency of potassium.
But no. Sure, the kidney values were wrong but not too bad, and the potassium was normal. But Olivia had bad anemia, at first even a blood transfusion was considered. I wanted Olivia not to be euthanized yet, but to be hospitalized.
But soon the phone call came. An abdominal ultrasound revealed a tumor in the intestine, and nothing could be done.
The information about the tumor explained a lot. Why Olivia was recently badly constipated. And yes, those signs were already there before. At the point when Olivia started to alternate between diarrhea and constipation, and when she moved to live 99% on the kitchen carpet.
It's so wrong that my youngest cat died first. Olivia's mother, 19-year-old Kali, still lives with me, and Olivia's father at my friend's house.
Terrible week. When at the beginning of the week I cried because of my other cat Tabitha while she was at the hospital, I couldn't have guessed that Olivia would be the one to die before the end of the week. But there was nothing left to do, Olivia had to be put to sleep. When a cat can't e.g. walk or poop, there are no basic requirements for life.
This was originally supposed to be Tabitha's obituary, but it so happened that I collected a memorial album for the wrong cat. It's also something of a record that two different cats have to be hospitalized within a week.
The problem with life is that it inevitably leads to pain, suffering and death. I do not recommend it to anyone. Not for a human or animal.
