Sorrow

I miss my Olivia.

 

Something very essential is missing from the kitchen carpet. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I feel like I could totally break down. The thought that Olivia doesn't exist anymore, and never again will...

Remorse. When I focused on Tabitha, and didn't notice that Olivia is dying (while I was watching you did a slow dissolve). That it was Olivia who was living her last days. But the truth is that if I had known and understood Olivia's situation in advance, it would have been even harder to bear. Even naturally Olivia would have died very quickly, full bowel obstruction was already close, and without the laxatives it probably would have already happened. Nothing could have saved Olivia. She could only have been euthanised earlier. Olivia went to the vet in April, because of her chronic diarrhea. If they had done ultrasound of the abdomen then, the tumor would have probably been found. But then it would have been difficult to accept the termination because the cat was still doing well.

So what would have been best for Olivia? What makes me sad here is that Olivia seemed to have so much thirst for life and literal hunger, until the end. How much pain was Olivia in? In her last week, Olivia outwardly looked uncomfortable a few times, but most of the time she lay or slept looking relaxed. Even on the morning of her death. I want to believe that Olivia wasn't in pain at least all the time. Of course I'll never know the truth.

Inflammatory bowel disease increases the risk of cancer in humans. Did Olivia's chronic diarrhea for so many years lead to this outcome? Very possible. Or did she have cancer all these years? I can't believe that myself.

 

Everywhere I look something reminds me of Olivia. All the time I notice foods and things that Olivia left behind. Being antidiarrheals, kidney substances, vitamins. I bought Olivia so many things that I didn't even "have time" to try. Vitamin B, which could have acted as a phosphorus binder. Some raw, frozen meatballs. Boulardii, which could have helped with diarrhea. I did give her psyllium, but only a couple of times. But I didn't have time to buy some things: Iherb's shopping cart contained phosphorus binders intended for Olivia (chitosan and vitamin b3). In the bookmarks of the browser, there were links related to Olivia's diarrhea, and phosphorus binders, such as aluminum-based phosphorus binders, and that cat feces transfer.

All the new grain-free foods and treats that I ordered for Olivia the week she died. But I couldn't know. I just thought that it's not worth ordering more food for Tabitha because she is dying. Olivia left a lot of grain-free wet food and treats, I should try to donate them to the animal protection. They should be good for homeless cats. And why don't I feed grain-free foods to my other cats? Tabitha is now only offered foods she likes. And the only wet foods that Kali eats are Felix soup and Kattovit Renal, and of course only broth of them.

Who will eat Kali's Kattovit's leftovers now? No one. No more Olivia coming to bed in the morning to demand breakfast. There is no longer Olivia nagging next to me at cats' mealtime, demanding faster service. There is no longer any need for protective plastic on the floor of the bedroom when Olivia is not pooping on the floors. Olivia no longer waits behind the toilet door to drink water from the floor after showering. No one rips my clothes/sheets anymore. There is no need to trim Olivia's nails anymore (the only cat whose nails we have trimmed). There are drink sticks on the floor that Olivia used as toys, no one else plays with them and brings them to bed. I put the towel with Olivia's last vomit in the wash. I also realized that still on Tuesday night Olivia was able to jump on the bed because she threw up from it to the carpet. I vacuumed the last of Olivia's hairs from the kitchen carpet. Many times during the cats' mealtimes I have accidentally put a cup for Olivia, it comes automatically. On the evening of Olivia's death, I almost gave my spouse instructions regarding Olivia's food the next morning.

Olivia caused most work of the cats because of her diarrhea. The ass always had to be cleaned, and towards the end, more and more crap had to be cleaned from the floors. The cats' toilets stay much cleaner without Olivia, and less cat litter is consumed. Most money had to be spent on Olivia's food. Olivia's last vet visit cost 939 euros on Saturday (when the price is +50%).

How have the other cats reacted to the absence of one? I don't think Tabitha even notices the whole thing. On Friday evening, Kali behaved strangely around Olivia. As if she knew or smelled something we didn't. And on Sunday night, I could have sworn that Kali was looking for Olivia. Yelled and went around the apartment, looking around. Kali liked her daughter. When Olivia was around, Kali often excitedly went to her, meowing and caressing her.
 

During Olivia's last night I had a hard time sleeping. I would have wanted to take her to the emergency room already at night, and I was afraid that in the morning I would find a dead cat on the kitchen carpet. I gave Olivia half a bag of Felix as her last meal, she liked Felix a lot. I told her out loud that she will get the other half when she gets home. But she didn't come back, and it felt awful to have to throw the other half away.

Everyone grieves differently. It's hard for me to eat. Eating feels disgusting. And then you feel even worse because of not eating. Of course, my eyes are swollen from crying. And the worst is, of course, how this affects my heart. And it started as soon as I noticed on Friday that Olivia hadn't washed her face after eating. Of course, that poor thing couldn't even wash her face anymore because her legs/paws were so weak.

Olivia was my lastborn, and she so was my cat. And a lap cat. When she grew up and could no longer fit in my lap, she liked to lie on top of me in bed.

 

 

I ordered from Zooplus last week, wondering if Tabitha will still be alive when the order arrives. I mainly ordered for Tabitha recovery and kitten foods, pate versions. But I also ordered beef fat powder for both. I had watched it for a long time because I desperately wanted to try to fatten Olivia, but I didn't get that chance anymore. It was too late.

I've always wondered in which order my cats will die. I never wanted to know the answer. And this order is completely wrong, Olivia was the youngest. And as a joke I had thought that maybe my cats will commit mass suicide. And last week it was close, we could have lost two cats within a week, or even within a couple of days. If Tabitha hadn't started eating, she would have been euthanised on Thursday or Friday. And then Olivia went on Saturday...

I have listened to this song over and over again. Although not all words fit Olivia, most of them do.

 

 

"You are not here. I'm grateful that you were."

 

 

PS.  I cried when a friend sent me this picture.