Reasons to celebrate?

Last week there was reason to celebrate when I finally passed my math course. Towards the end I started to stress about it. It felt like a nightmare that would never end, it just kept going on and on. 13 sections, 13 exams. And the worst part is that there were only 12 sections before. When I passed the last exam I wanted to cry tears of joy. Now I can take a break from studying with a clear conscience?

 

 

On Saturday, my favorite ski jumper Domen Prevc was third in the ski flying competition. It feels good after such a crappy season. I always wish Domen the most success on ski flying, because he was made to fly. After the first round, Domen was fourth, so there was enough excitement in my pants. In the end, he only got a podium finish by 0.8 points. And asshole Viaplay stopped the broadcast just as Domen was celebrating at the start of the "pre-" award ceremony!!! I can almost never see the real award ceremony.

 

 

 

Then on Sunday... Domen won the competition! He was in the lead after the first round. My heart was racing while waiting for the results after Domen's second jump. Rarely does a sporting event affect me like this. After Domen's miserable start to the season, I couldn't have believed in such success. And what did Viaplay do this time? They stopped broadcasting right in the middle of Domen's interview. I hate you so much, Viaplay...

 

 

I played too much Resident Evil 2 randomizer last week. Especially on Friday night, when I played through the game twice. You could say that the Biorand tournament has inspired me, and I keep getting ideas for new seeds. It still sucks that there's only one version of Rebecca in Biorand, I'd at least need the Zero version.

Last week, Logan agreed to be my boyfriend in Sandrock Online, so that's a reason to celebrate too. You don't think so?

I promised myself that when the new year starts and Friday ends, I'd focus on editing my first novel, at least one chapter a day. Have I done it? Well, I haven't had time. Too much gaming (95%) and studying (5%). And of course, I have to try to watch at least 2 hours of Two and a half men every day, even though I've already seen all those episodes a million times. But of course, it doesn't matter, I don't know where you could sell a Finnish novel. Amazon isn't worth it, and Books on Demand is chargeable these days.

Last week I finally finished my two English short stories and put them up for sale on Amazon. My problem is those cover arts, they look awful when I have to do them myself.

 

Pain causes more pain

I can happily report that I am currently not suffering from constipation. I have only taken two magnesium oxide pills a day, and it has been enough. I started taking them with cheese to prevent its constipating effect, and I was surprised how well it works.

I took the student health service's health survey, and surprisingly, based on it, I was automatically booked for a dental check-up. I claimed in the survey that I haven't been to a dentist for at least five years. I don't remember how long it really has been. I have been to a dental hygienist though. I have been putting off going to the dentist because I'm afraid of what will be revealed. It started almost two years ago, I clenched my teeth while sleeping and they suffered because of it.

And unfortunately, I don't think the student health service has any gynecological services at all anymore. At least, they say on their website that they only offer general practitioner-level services in gynecology. I would still like to get that ultrasound. In fact, when I looked into the matter, they only have general practitioners these days. The whole thing is ruined, meaning students are forced to pay for it and get nothing in return.

"I can't take it anymore"

- a message in a Facebook endometriosis group

And so it happened that right after I got an appointment with the dentist, I started having terrible mouth pain. Endometriosis pain was bad and I was grinding my teeth together while sleeping again. I don't know if the mouth pain and symptoms were just because of that, or also because of something else. One spot on my gum was really swollen and sore. It was hard to believe that it could heal on its own. The same spot has had symptoms many times before, but not this bad. So it's the spot where a wisdom tooth was removed about 20 years ago.
 

So when endometriosis pain subsides, my mouth has been so sore that it's difficult to eat. It makes no sense that I'm developing a bruxism problem at such an "old" age. And when my mouth hurts, it increases stress and bruxism even more.

Nothing can come of this life when there's always something bad or pain going on. I'm starting to feel so exhausted physically and mentally.

Carol of Duty

 

These symptoms started on a night when I couldn't sleep because my heart was pounding from stress, and I happened to see the end an episode of the Walking Dead's  Daryl-series on TV. Carol was there! I had been wondering what happened to Carol for a long time. Carol was a badass like she always is, and she was a special guest star. And later I found out that that was probably the final episode of the season... I always hoped that Daryl and Carol would end up together...

I used to have horrible Walking Dead (affiliate link) addiction, I couldn't stop watching the show even I wanted to. But then I hit a limit when Carl died, and I stopped watching immediately.

 

TMI: What would help with constipation?

TMI stands for "too much information", meaning you shouldn't read this post.

 

 

I feel like I'm following in the footsteps of my cat Olivia (and also my guinea pig's!). And that is right for me?

To celebrate the new year, my constipation got worse. Years ago, I suffered from diarrhea during my period. Then it turned into constipation. So I assume this is due to intestinal endometriosis.

 

 

What helps with constipation?

I normally eat sugar-free candies almost every day.

The problem with dried plums is that they have too many carbohydrates. And an opened bag doesn't stay good long. I usually prefer plum puree meant for kids. Although nowadays I use pear-plum puree, because it's much cheaper.

There's some of Kali's laxative (which has macrogol/PEG in it) left, and I've had to use it. This and other laxatives from the pharmacy have potentially bad side effects, and at least some of them shouldn't be used long-term.

Cola has been shown to help with intestinal blockages, but my teeth can't handle it. I think that taking laxatives together with Cola could be particularly effective.

I had completely forgotten about magnesium oxide, and I noticed that I have almost a full jar of it.

Psyllium is said to help with constipation, but it can also make it worse and even cause intestinal blockage, especially if you don't drink enough water with it. I have almost a full bag of psyllium after Olivia, but I haven't dared to try it yet.

Alcohol. Hangover shit ftw? After all, I'm an Absolutist. Vodka+cola is the best.

 

As I've complained many times before, it sucks to having to pay to shit. But I have to think positively, I don't have to pay for my cats Olivia and Kali to shit anymore. (this wine's name means "ass tax" in Finnish)

 

 

Am I supposed to stop eating cheese? It can cause constipation. I haven't eaten cheese now and my teeth are already complaining about it. Cheese is the only thing that helps to my damaged tooth enamel.

And from the beginning, it's felt like that seed crispbread is making things worse. It feels like if I ate it every day for breakfast, I'd never shit again. I guess I should buy eggs and alternate with those two in the mornings.

 

I had a colonoscopy (and gastroscopy) about ten years ago. It was an incredibly painful experience. I can only imagine how much worse it would be now that the situation has clearly worsened. My bowel has tightened even more. I didn't even suffer from constipation back then.

It's terrible to think about what kind of damage endometriosis might have done to my intestines. Even in the "best" case scenario, I would have to have surgery to remove some my bowel and probably get a stoma, either temporary or permanent. I don't know how I would survive that. The adhesive from the tapes alone would itch terribly, not to mention everything else.

In the worst case, you die from an intestinal blockage caused by endometriosis without getting treatment, like a young woman in Sweden a few years ago. Yes, you can die from endometriosis, or at least from medical errors.

 

But like I noticed with cats, if the basic requirements for life are not present anymore... then life simply cannot continue.

Remembering my cat Olivia

Today would have been my late cat Olivia's birthday. I only realized that when I woke up and checked the calendar to see what day it was. Olivia died last August at the age of 16.

 

 

Olivia's mother Kali followed her daughter in October. And owned by my friend, Olivia's father, a Norwegian Forest Cat, also died in November. So one could say that the family is now back together. 💔

In honor of the celebration, kitten pictures of Olivia, in chronological order.

 

Olivia with her identical sister. I totally don't know which was is Olivia.

I got Olivia for myself in April 2008, and the rest of the photos in this post are from that month.

 

Olivia's arrival was a big shock to my first cat, Tabitha. Olivia sought out the company of the reluctant Tabitha right from the start.

 

Nightmares and violent fantasies

I guess I should emphasize that these are dreams I had in 2024. 

My brother was watching an evil movie. I went inside the movie to make sure it wasn't a live broadcast. In another dream that same night, I was at an airport and the planes were crashing to the ground.

I was out jogging when two fighter jets were practicing, flying low. They were flying close to each other, so of course they ended up hitting each other and crashing down. I had to dodge them. I thought my spouse was right when he said that I am practicing in my dreams for these situations, when apparently it does happen in real life too.

Russia attacked my hometown with missiles. They kept falling near me, so I had to try to run away from them before they exploded.

Parts of a space shuttle were falling into the yard of my childhood home. A burning astronaut was also seen falling from the sky. I accidentally went to the yard before I remembered that it's not a good idea to go here until the authorities have collected all the parts. Then a helicopter and a Finnair passenger plane crashed into the ground, which I had to try to escape.

The bad guys attacked the shopping mall. They had really heavy weapons, assault rifles, etc. I was hiding behind the railing of an escalator when one of them walked by, if he had noticed me I would have been dead. I took the assault rifle from one of the bad guys and tried to shoot one of the other ones. Since they were wearing bulletproof vests, I shot them in the forehead several times, but it had no effect on the bad guy.

I woke up and noticed that my spouse's co-worker was visiting us. I hadn't been told about this visit in advance (and that's why I wasn't dressed modestly and the whole thing pissed me off), and I started demanding an explanation from my spouse as to why not. But no matter how much I banged his head to the floor, there was no explanation. Only after a long time did the co-worker say that maybe she should leave. I grabbed her laptop and threw it away. I said you two are really going to get the hell away from here.

The body parts of a person I had killed had been left in a cupboard, and they were starting to stink. I waited for people to leave so I could throw them in the trash. But more people kept coming, and my mother said to everyone, "Doesn't this place stink of dead bodies?"

A long nightmare about my spouse. We broke up because he had found a 15-year-old girl who was pregnant, but not to him. Their wedding was a shamanic ceremony, where I was present for some reason. I was mostly worried that the bride would go into labor during the wedding. Most of the time I was desperately trying to get on Facebook to update my relationship status, but couldn't get it done.

Higgins small from the game F13, trying to hide from the murderers. We went to the next room and the murderers revealed themselves. But then the victims said, "Do you think we'd go to a haunted summer camp without guns that we know how to use and maintain!" I thought the murderers still had a trick up their sleeve, and one of them threatened to kill me. But then that guy started coughing up blood. Karma?

My mother tried to feed me sugar. Finally, I said, "I'm not joining your sugar cult."

I was diagnosed with widespread ovarian cancer. The doctors wondered how I had survived until then. In another dream that same night, the renovation of a local airport had failed. All the planes that tried to land on the field ended up on the ground in fireballs.

I walked through a red light at a intersection and the police were after me. They wanted to fine me based on my income. I started laughing that they would get zero.

We were driving a car with some guys near a train station when a panicked woman was running away from a man armed with an assault rifle. Instead of helping her, I wanted to leave the place, but similar bad guys started following us. We locked the car doors. The driver came up with a cunning and difficult escape route towards a suburb, but the bad guys still showed up. Me and one other woman hid under one of the cars. First, they "processed" me. The bad guys' boss read from the papers that I had no income at all. Someone snitched on me and revealed my hiding place (like in Breaking Bad). They were going to execute me and I tried to say that then they'll never know why I've been without income. The bad guys still started throwing deadly objects at me. I started to fly, and was able to go through the buildings incorporeal. I continued to escape even though I thought they were no longer after me.

I climbed the scary spiral staircase of a sightseeing tower with a couple of other people. At the top they wanted to go inside the tower, but there was a sign on the door that said you can only go there if everyone goes. And I wanted to go back down and get some stair training.

My friend and I were running away from bad guys and ended up in a room at my grandma's. A couple of men passed by and hung out nearby, and for some reason my friend wanted to trust them and ask them for help, even though there was no way to know if they were bad guys. The child opened his cell phone even though I had said he wasn't allowed to do so because even a moment would be enough for the bad guys to locate us. I tried desperately to get the cell phone to turn off.

For some reason, I had life-size replicas of Ayrton Senna and Roland Ratzenberger. For fun, I started winking at Roland and I was shocked when he answered back. I tested many times and always the same thing. Finally, I couldn't stand this terrible supernaturalness and covered Roland's head with a mask.

I watched a movie where an old man had adventures in my howetown. At the same time, I flew around town, wondering if I should try to ask my friend to a party. But then it was already nighttime, and I tried to go home but got lost. The sightseeing tower started to self-destruct.

My brother and I had committed a dismemberment murder and had the body parts stored in packages in a cupboard where they had been left for too long. Then, when people were there, we tried to secretly take the packages of body parts from the cupboard so that we could get rid of them. It worked, but someone had snitched of us and the police arrested us on the street. They found incriminating evidence in my backpack. I was taken to prison in a police van, and my biggest worry was whether I would be able to wear wool socks there because otherwise my feet would freeze.

The others went to my brother's football match and I was left alone. For fun, I decided to try to see if I could move the handle of the ventilation window with the power of thought (I often do that in my dreams because I would like to be able to do telekinesis in real life), and it worked, so I knew that evil was present. Then the pointers on all the clocks started moving in the wrong direction at a terrible speed. Then the lights went out everywhere except the room I was in. I walked towards the darkness asking evil where it was lurking, and then I woke up.

I was playing Resident Evil door randomizer with my spouse, but we were inside the game. He started looking for the right door but I thought it was pointless because I had to get there alive for both of us to get out. He found the right door but then evil hit. It shook and was windy, trying to prevent me from getting where I needed to go. I should have just been able to raise my hand so my spouse could have pulled me to the door, but no. Then I woke up and had to turn the TV back on.

 

They pretended to be making a movie, but it was real. People were drawn towards evil like a magnet. I pretended to be going in the opposite direction, but that's where I ended up too. I asked the bad guy if he was the main villain, no, just a subordinate. I tried to escape by jumping off, but no. Me and another guy were put at a table to play a game of death. You couldn't take your hand off the table. I took it off anyway, and woke up.

I was on a private plane. I was reassured that it was safe now that there were no less than three pilots on the plane. But still, all three of them had to leave the cockpit at the same time, and the plane flew straight up, for example. One of the pilots was Robbie Williams. I talked to him in the cabin and asked if he ever performs my favorite song, No Regrets, at his gigs.

I was peacefully sleeping in my bed when two strangers, a woman and a man, came into the bedroom and forcibly gave me vaccinations. To both arms. I was horrified when they wouldn't even tell me which vaccinations they were.

I was in a F13 lobby for a long time even though I was afk. Then I was in line at a nearby house for a F13 tournament. I wondered what I was doing there when I just wanted to watch and not participate. I told the person in line behind me that he could take my place. Then I was in the school gym and I was Donnie Wahlberg from NKOTB. I was attached to the ceiling with a plastic elastic band, just like Donnie at this concert. I moved around on the ceiling and sang Hangin tough, it was wonderful. At one point, a suspicious sound came from the plastic band and I wondered if it would break now. Despite the risk, I continued. I had a similar dream years ago when I performed Sheryl Crow's song Tomorrow never dies on a ceiling of a department store.

What a shitty year

On Christmas night at 4am I woke up with a terrible stomach ache. I don't know what I had eaten to deserve such pain, I didn't even eat more than normal. The pain lasted a couple of hours until I was able to sleep again. The next night I was afraid the pain would come again, but luckily it didn't.

On New Year's Eve I had to stop drinking sparkling wine (and playing Friday for good!!) when I started feeling nausea. Not because of the amount of alcohol, but because of the bubbles. That's what happens sometimes. I like sparkling wine, but it doesn't like me. Sometimes even mineral water causes that.
 

In 2023 I lost my job, last year all the cats died, and now to celebrate the turn of the year Friday died too. There's nothing left.

There's nothing nice to look forward to. Nothing to do on weekend nights.

 

"Friday is dead."

My first words on the first day of the new year.

I was lucky, and I saw Friday die live on Twitch. I woke up before 6:30 on the first morning of the year, after about three hours of sleep. In advance, players were wondering when and how Friday would end. It finally happened at 7:00 am Finnish time. The game worked for a few minutes after 7, but then those in private matches were forced out. Database login failure. So even private matches don't work. Only Jasons that are available immediately at level 0 work in bot matches.

It's strange that I don't have to grind Friday every day.

I lived longer than my cats and Friday, and I wouldn't have wanted to do either of them.

 

And what's cool about 2025? Will bird flu spread and kill 50% of people (90% of pregnant women) and 90% of cats? Will we be threatened by hunger, war, or new diseases? Or "only" sudden deaths and heart attacks caused by the corona virus?

 

 

The year started off great when I didn't have the food in the freezer I thought I had, and I had a temper tantrum. It was a shock to find out that none of the grocery stores in my hometown have such a basic food item as chicken legs through Wolt. Then I "had to" go to Lidl. At least they had chicken legs, meat loaf and damn expensive smoked salmon. I wouldn't have bothered buying it if I hadn't had gift cards. I used to love certain oven chickens, but now I can't seem to get them anywhere. Has the production stopped? It usually only happens in the summer. I'm too picky about food.