With the power of rage

All my shoes fell apart at once. I was going to the library and I was going to put on my summer sneakers. Well, there was already a hole in them that was a little too big, the white sock was showing too much. I then put on my other sneakers, which were decades old, bought in Anttila and was already walking out the door. Then, luckily, on the stairs, I noticed that the sole of one of the shoes was starting to come off. I had to put on my winter shoes, which have holes on both sides in both shoes, I was a bit scared to see if they would last the whole trip.

I already looked at the cheap Chinese shoe selection at Citymarket with that in mind, but then I found 7 (!!) pairs of sneakers in the wardrobe, 6 of which were unused. I knew about maybe two of those pairs... I thought I mostly had high heels, but apparently I also have sneakers. So I have sometimes bought cheap shoes to stock up on, sneakers never lasted long at work.

 

photo: Effin' Birds (affiliate link)

 

Then I borrowed a book from the library that I had already read. Now that I started going to the library again after a long time, I had already been through something like that once before. And even then it was a book by Tess Gerritsen... what does that say? I wouldn't be able to keep up with what books I've read without Goodreads.

I used to always read Stephen King's books in English right away, now I'm so caught up that the Finnish translations have already been published. Holly just doesn't inspire me, and neither does King himself. I stopped following him on Twitter when the corona vaccine thing was at its peak.

 

 

And so it turned out that it wasn't my fault when I didn't pass the exam. Almost no one did, even if they had gotten full marks in the practice exams like I did. But the teacher still doesn't see anything wrong with themselves or the exam. Well, at least I'm in the majority of losers, and I'm not the only one who's stressing about the retake exam. I already said out loud that my studies would end if I didn't pass that retake exam, because it's a mandatory course and I don't think I could know the topics in that section better even if I took the entire course again.

 

 

In honor of May Day, a picture of a one-year-old balloon. A year ago, I never thought it would last longer than my cats. There are no more cats to tease with balloons, they were afraid of them.

 

 

I can't bear it

So it happened again that last week when I was on my way to the dental hygienist's appointment, I got a message that the appointment had been canceled due to a broken device. It's not the first time this has happened to me. Do those devices really break down that often, or have I been cursed? When I made a new appointment, there were no appointments at all at first. Then there was only on the day I had an exam. And the next ones were over a month away. Somehow it feels like something is wrong. And now I couldn't pass the exam in question... and the retake exam is on the same day as the appointment with the dental hygienist. Not that there's any chance of passing the retake either.

The weather was already too warm again. If I can't stand +16 degrees, what will summer bring? I hate it when I sweat and feel bad. And having to take a shower as soon as I get home. And having to spend a lot of money on mineral water. My skin already got burnt.

 

 

 

Easter?

I actually watched Gone with the Wind, it's still an epic movie. And then I had to start reading the book again. "Scarlett O'Hara wasn't beautiful..."

 

On Good Friday I ate too much when I mixed broccoli with (corn) pasta, and I also ate ice cream. I felt like throwing up the night between Saturday and Sunday because of it. On Sunday I was nauseated because I was hungry, and then after eating I was nauseated because of nauseating food (meat loaf). I think all food, especially meat, is so disgusting these days. Only some snacks would interest me, i.e. chocolate, ice cream and some yoghurts/curds. But so-called real food? No thanks.

It's a bit annoying that I've been paying service fees to my bank like an idiot for decades. I should have closed my costly account when the free one became available.

May 7th will be exactly 30 years since Finland's first win at ice hockey world championship. I was hoping that Yle would show the final "live" (again) to honor it (I even made a wish to Yle about this), but no. They only show a documentary about it.

 

Remembering my cat Tabitha

Today would have been Tabitha's birthday, she passed away last August. All the pictures in this post are from August 2007, when I got Tabitha.

My first contact with Tabitha was when I heard her meowing behind the front door of my apartment, even before my friend had time to ring the doorbell. Tabitha was always a loud screamer in the carrier.

 

 

My friend knew that I wanted a cat, and her friend had a couple of kittens available. I just had to decide whether I wanted a girl or a boy. I wanted a girl, and so Tabitha, or Tapsa, came to me. I took the name Tabitha from the book Nine lives - A year in the life of a cat family (affiliate link). But over time, Tabitha just became Tapsa, which is a boy's name. So the vets always wondered about it. A girl named Tapsa!

 

 

 

What happened to Tabitha's brother? All I know is that there was a dog in Tabitha's childhood home. And apparently there was no scratching post, because Tabitha didn't know how to use one. Tabitha also wasn't socialized, so she was afraid of strangers and didn't like other cats.

 

 

Tabitha was happy being the only cat in the house. I should have realized never to get more cats.

 

In the midst of a crisis

When a nightmare that I've been waiting for for years to come true comes true and the rug is pulled from under my feet, my mental stamina is low. And yet I should pretend to be able to function normally in everyday life, when all I want to do is cry and collapse. And study deadlines are approaching. "For the former world has passed away"

 

Stress of course causes and worsens endometriosis pain. My hip has been hurting more than usual, and has slowed my walking even slower than usual. Is that because of perimenopause? Now I have also had other joint pains, and even strange muscle pains. And my sleep has also decreased for a long time already. I always use melatonin before going to bed, but these days I wake up abnormally early in the morning and usually can't fall back asleep.

I have way too much unnecessary stuff and I should try to get rid of it. While trying to do that, I went through a music book from 1989, calles School Music 5-6. Are children still taught such misogynistic songs today? On the song Orient Express, an old maid wants to be raped. Then, for example, the song Oman kullan silmät, to which our elementary school teacher taught us additions that denigrate women. Or Minun kultani kaunis on. So beautiful that even horses laugh at her.

 

 

I managed to clog the kitchen sink. I poured mouthwash and dog ear cleaner into it. At least the mouthwash had tea tree oil in it, but mouthwash should never contain anything that clogs drains, because mouthwash always ends up in the drain anyway. And there was no oil or grease in that ear cleaner either, but alcohol and peroxide, among other things. But the drain still got blocked. Even the home plumber stuff didn't help, only a plunger. I'm such a loser that I'll probably destroy the whole house.

The idea came to me to watch my favorite movie Gone with the Wind (affiliate link) for Easter. I had been thinking for a while that it had been a while since I last watched it. And of course I needed an excuse to finally use this picture. Maybe the day I hate, Good Friday, will be spent with this movie, after all it's a 4 hours long plus intermission.

 

I had to post a couple of pictures on my The Bold and the Beautiful blog, which I thought Google would complain about. But I thought Google would consider strangulation pictures as violence. I was wrong, Google bots think they are sex. What does it say about our wonderful modern times that strangulation is no longer violence but sex?

 

Moments before destruction

It's annoying when I have to stop reading and writing because of eye pain and overburdening them. When reading and writing is too much for my eyes. I don't know what to do about it. Should I send my eyes on a (beach) vacation somewhere?

With my eyes and neck aching, I then wrote three different short stories at the same time. They went quite well, I even finished one of them.

 

 

 

I was so stressed out about the end of the ski jumping season that it was hard to sleep the next night because my heart was beating too much. Spectator sports are tough, it takes a toll. If I'm still alive when the next season starts, I should come up with something because I don't want to pay a penny to the crappy Viaplay. Why can't I get Polish Eurosport, for example? Except through illegal streams. Well, Viaplay just announced a cheaper package that would even include ski jumping.

Red Bull organized its own ski jumping event in Poland after the season ended. Who was responsible for the safety of that? They jumped at terrible speeds and I really saw red when Domen Prevc fell his too long jump. He was so high up at the end of the hill. Many meters above the hill record. They would have to pay a lot of money to compensate for a possible injury or worse. Life-threatening activity.

I went to the library again. It was a bit annoying when the return machine couldn't accept the course book. That crappy, heavy (2.1 kg!) and abnormal book in every way.

Spoiler from tv-show ER, beware!

I got to continue watching ER, in the sixth season, when the episodes shown on a free channel here progressed to that point. It's so bad to watch Lucy spend many episodes worrying about a patient her age who needs a heart transplant. Lucy doesn't know that she herself doesn't have much time left to live. I've probably watched the sixth season episode "All in the Family" dozens of times in total.

 

 

 

I was totally shocked when I saw that the episode "Be Still My Heart" that was airing on tv here had been cut. The legendary ending scene had actually been shortened! The TV version was missing the scene where Carter tries to get up, and then the zoom in on Carter's eyes when he sees Lucy in horror. I've seen that scene so many times that I know it by heart, so I knew right away that something was seriously wrong. What a bloody sacrilege to cut the episode! I can't stand it! If they have to cut the episode, they should take out some less important scene!

Below is the original, uncut, uncensored scene:

 

Then I waited to see how badly the next day's All in the Family had been cut... well, I didn't notice anything. I started wondering if ER has been cut in streaming services. Many TV series fall victim to the slaughter when the music is changed for the DVD release.